A lady goes to her husband's grave to pay respect & as always starts complaining:
"The landlord is harassing me for a raise in rent.
Your elder one wants an iphone7.
The younger one is asking for a new bicycle.
Your daughter is growing up and getting fashion conscious.
I haven't seen a new sari in 3 years"
An eerie voice comes from the grave.
"At least let me rest in peace here.
Please understand. I am in heaven, not in Kuwait"
SBI & LIC launched a joint venture:
SBI - लाइन में टिके रहे तो पैसा हम देंगे.
LIC - नहीं टिक पाए तो पैसे हम देंगे.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today the bank manager got tired convincing a person, the amount of 2.5 lakh for marriage is given only to those who have ₹2.5 lakh in their account !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please pray for me. I will be going to the hospital tomorrow. I think i have a problem with my eyes. Every time I look into my wallet, I see nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife complained that we don't spend enough time together...
Taking her to the ATM today...!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman gets cheated by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
All over the world - at this time - an old man with a white beard creeps in your house through the chimney and puts money in your socks.
In India - this year - an old man with a white beard crept in your house through your TV and removed money from your pockets, cupboards, lockers and left you with only your socks !
Seasons Greetings !��
THE MENU AT A DAHI CHOLEY CHAAT SHOP ---VERY FUNNY READ TILL END. .
1) Chaat-- Rs.10
2) Special chaat - Rs.12
3) Very Special chaat - Rs. 15.
4) Extra Special chaat- Rs. 18.
5) Double Extra Special chaat- Rs. 20.
6) Sunday Special chaat - Rs. 25 (Sunday only).
To check each and every chaat for its different taste, I started eating everyday a different one. . . . .
But soon I discovered that each and every one had the same taste of Chaat.
Finally one day I asked him the reason for the same taste?
�� �� ��
Chatwala said: chaat cost. . . . Rs 10
Special chaat means spoons washed ... ��
Very Special chaat means spoon and plates both washed ... ����
Extra Special chaat means washing hands before putting the Chaat in washed plates & served with washed spoons... ��
Double Extra Special chaat means clean drinking water is provided separately ... ��
Chaat wala now looking at my face ....
Then I asked What is Sunday Special?
Chaatwala said :
"Sunday ... I take bath...!!" ����
2016 will be remembered as the year of Amma, Trump, Money. In short, ATM
*Happy New Year, Mitron.......*
……………
Modi speech in a nutshell.
Full benefit-
*Senior citizens are encouraged to build small houses in rural areas and make women pregnant.*
………………
Modi announces Rs.6,000 to be given to pregnant women .. now thats called cash on delivery.
……………
Felt like sharing it...Superb stuff for those who grew up during the 60's-80's in middle class India , here are some things that you can identify with…
1. Though you may not publicly own to this, at the age of 12-17 years, you were very proud of your first "Bellbottom" or your first "Maxi" .
2. Phantom & Mandrake were your only true heroes.The brainy ones read "Competition Success Review".
3. Your "Camlin" geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil were your prized possessions.
4. The only "Holidays" you took were to go to your grandparents' or your cousins' houses.
5. Ice-cream meant only - either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – or a Choco Bar if you were better off than most.
6. You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a 'PP' written against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still waiting for your number to come.
7. Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You "earned" yours after SSC exams.
8. You have been to "Jumbo Circus"; have held your breath while the pretty young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the "Maut - ka - Gola" and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at dwarfs hitting each others bottoms!
9.. You have at least once heard "Hawa Mahal" and "Binaca Geetmala" on the radio.
10. If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighbourhood to gather around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn't have a TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the owners or not.
11. Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!
12. Black & White TVs weren't so bad after all because cricket was played in whites.
13. You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family's; not your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started. Everyone else got the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and you didn't go to anyone else's to watch TV.
14. You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning they would announce on the TV. After all how much " Shashtriya Sangeet " can a kid take?
15. You knew that " Indira Gandhi " was somebody really powerful and terribly important. And that's all you needed to know.
16. The only "Gadgets" in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a mixer.
17. Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan.Before the start of the movie you always had to watch the obligatory "Newsreel".
18. You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs of Abba and Boney M.
19. Your hormones went crazy when you heard “ Aap Jaisa Koi Meri Jindagi Mein Aaye ” by Nazia Hassan .
20. Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half hour preparation & "setting" & the "posing" for each picture. Therefore, you. have at least one family picture where everyone is holding their breath and standing in attention!
Cheers to gud old friends & times.
P.S: Please share with your children for they won't understand the half of it!! Even if its repeat, worth reading again ��
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in”?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in”?
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"
Finally God asks Trump : “What do you believe in”?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
DON'T GIVE ANY CLOTHES TO MAIDS
XXXXXXXXXXX
A lady gave some of her old sarees to her maid n said,.. "Take these, & use them,.. They are of good quality & I don't wanna throw them, just that they are old, you use them all..!!"
After 3 days, maid returned all the old sarees to the lady & said
"Madam, please take back your clothes... Because, your husband thinks, I was you, & ignores ME all the time,..
& I wonder why, from past 3 days, your neighbours Sharmaji, Guptaji, & Mishra ji come & hug me from behind..!! ��
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said.....
...
..
...
“Pardon?”
Salman says blackbuck died of *NATURAL CAUSES* Lol!!
No one killed the #BlackBuck. No one was carrying a weapon. It died of shock and presented itself on plates :)
.........
#SalmanKhan says blackbuck died of "natural causes".
That's a weird name for a bullet though!
.........
Salman " blackbuck died naturally"
Judge " how"
Sallu " meri goli usko lagi"
Judge " fir?"
Salman " fir kya, natural si baat hai mar gya "
..........
Wife to hubby: Darling in pictures of Shiva-Parvati, Shiva has a Trishool.
In pictures of Vishnu-Lakshmi, Vishnu has Chakra in hand and pictures of Rama-Sita, Rama has bow in hand.
But in case of Krishna-Radha, he has flute in hand. Why is this?
Hubby: You see dear the three God's whom you mentioned first are with the wives. That is why they have weapons.
Krishna is with his girlfriend. Hence no weapons required. This shows when it comes to dealing with wives, even Gods need protection.
Lol
My Dear frds
If your man pisses you off..
Boil water
Let it boil, boil, boil, and boil.
As the water is still boiling.. wait for him to fall asleep.
When you are very sure that he is sleeping..
make some tea and drink it.
Tea reduces stress.
For those who expected hot water to be poured on him, you need serious help!
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.
In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”
The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher.
It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”
Everyone is facing difficulties due to demonetisation, but everyone is still happy, because:
Poor man thinks the rich are finished
Servant thinks maalik is finished
Worker thinks boss is finished
Patient thinks Doc is finished
Clerk thinks Bureaucrat is finished
Bureaucrat thinks politicians are finished
Ruling party thinks opposition is finished
And opposition thinks Modi is finished!
Life is beautiful, because of the human trait - Misery loves company! ��
A woman gets cheated by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
Felt like sharing it...Superb stuff for those who grew up during the 60's-80's in middle class India , here are some things that you can identify with…
1. Though you may not publicly own to this, at the age of 12-17 years, you were very proud of your first "Bellbottom" or your first "Maxi" .
2. Phantom & Mandrake were your only true heroes.The brainy ones read "Competition Success Review".
3. Your "Camlin" geometry box & Natraj/Flora pencil were your prized possessions.
4. The only "Holidays" you took were to go to your grandparents' or your cousins' houses.
5. Ice-cream meant only - either an orange stick, a vanilla stick – or a Choco Bar if you were better off than most.
6. You gave your neighbour’s phone number to others with a 'PP' written against it because you had booked yours only 7 years ago and were still waiting for your number to come.
7. Your parents were proud owners of HMT watches. You "earned" yours after SSC exams.
8. You have been to "Jumbo Circus"; have held your breath while the pretty young thing in the glittery skirt did acrobatics, quite enjoyed the elephants hitting football, the motorcyclist vrooming in the "Maut - ka - Gola" and it was politically okay to laugh your guts out at dwarfs hitting each others bottoms!
9.. You have at least once heard "Hawa Mahal" and "Binaca Geetmala" on the radio.
10. If you had a TV, it was normal to expect the neighbourhood to gather around to watch the Chitrahaar or the Sunday movie. If you didn't have a TV, you just went to a house that did. It mattered little if you knew the owners or not.
11. Sometimes the owners of these TVs got very creative and got a bi or even a tri-coloured anti-glare screen which they attached with two side clips onto their Weston TVs. That confused the hell out of you!
12. Black & White TVs weren't so bad after all because cricket was played in whites.
13. You thought your Dad rocked because you got your own (the family's; not your own own!) colour TV when the Asian Games started. Everyone else got the same idea as well and ever since, no one came over to your house and you didn't go to anyone else's to watch TV.
14. You dreaded the death of any political leader because of the mourning they would announce on the TV. After all how much " Shashtriya Sangeet " can a kid take?
15. You knew that " Indira Gandhi " was somebody really powerful and terribly important. And that's all you needed to know.
16. The only "Gadgets" in the house were the TV, the Fridge and possibly a mixer.
17. Movies meant Rajesh Khanna or Amitabh Bachchan.Before the start of the movie you always had to watch the obligatory "Newsreel".
18. You thought you were so rocking because you knew almost all the songs of Abba and Boney M.
19. Your hormones went crazy when you heard “ Aap Jaisa Koi Meri Jindagi Mein Aaye ” by Nazia Hassan .
20. Photograph taking was a big thing. You were lucky if your family owned a camera. A reel of 36 exposures was valuable hence it justified the half hour preparation & "setting" & the "posing" for each picture. Therefore, you. have at least one family picture where everyone is holding their breath and standing in attention!
Cheers to gud old friends & times.
P.S: Please share with your children for they won't understand the half of it!! Even if its repeat, worth reading again ��
DON'T GIVE ANY CLOTHES TO MAIDS
XXXXXXXXXXX
A lady gave some of her old sarees to her maid n said,.. "Take these, & use them,.. They are of good quality & I don't wanna throw them, just that they are old, you use them all..!!"
After 3 days, maid returned all the old sarees to the lady & said
"Madam, please take back your clothes... Because, your husband thinks, I was you, & ignores ME all the time,..
& I wonder why, from past 3 days, your neighbours Sharmaji, Guptaji, & Mishra ji come & hug me from behind..!!
Received a hilarious one for our generation.!!
*GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE* !
*Good Morning*
At present, we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
Beeeeeppp...
● If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
● If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.
● If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
● If you want us to wash your clothes and do iron, press 4.
● If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
● If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
● If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.
● If you want to come to eat here, press 8.
● If you need money, press 9.
● If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking...we are listening !
*I love it every time I read this* !
This KISS is different !
At a dinner party, the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech
when his wife, sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of
paper with the word “ KISS " scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, “ So your wife has sent you
a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much.”
The speaker replied, “ You don’t know my wife. The letters stand for
‘ Keep It Short , Stupid ’.”
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in”?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great , come sit in the chair on my right"
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in”?
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. .... ".
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done , come sit in the chair on my left"
Finally God asks Trump : “What do you believe in”?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Teacher asked student, "Why do you think Parvathi chose Shiva as her husband?"
Can you guess
"Five reasons", said the student,
"1. Shiva does not wear clothes since he is Digambar. So no issue of washing clothes.
2. He has the on his head so no problem of light and no issues of electricity bill payments.
3. Ganga flows from him so no shortage of water.
4. Shiva eats only raw veggies so no cooking required.
5. Since he does not have parents no issues with in laws."
Teacher fell at the student's feet and asked to be taken as HIS student.
*If Modi says that after visiting toilet everyone must wash hands with soap .
*What would the opposition leaders say.
*केजरीवाल-* मोदी जी has taken money from the soap manufacturing companies .
*राहुल गाँधी-* मोदीजी wants the poor people to spend their money to wash their hands for his own" SWACHH BHARAT" scheme.
*ओवैसी-* I will not wash hands as it is not written in the constitution . मेरे गर्दन पर चाकू भी रखोगे तब भी नहीं .
*मायावती-* दलित should get free soap and reservation once a week to wash their hands.
*कपिल सिब्बल-* My शौचालय my shit my hands why should I wash my hands ?
*मुलायम-* As long as I am there people of U.P. need not wash their hands.
*गिरीराज-* Those who don't want to wash they should go to Pakistan.।
Last but the best
And *मोमता बैनर्जी* - hospitol बोंद कोराने का conspironcy hoi.
Times up ....George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"
Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers, "I believe in the power of democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc."
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him, "Well done , come sit on the chair on my left.
Finally, God asks Trump, "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers, "I believe you're sitting on my chair."
