The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his *privacy* during this challenging time.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

When I text I use the word duck a lot.

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Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd".

Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband.

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And this is a "reality" show?

So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables

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that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group.

I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

Remove negativity from your mind.

If you change 'Na' to 'Ya',
even Patna will become...

'Pataya'

Friend:
Where does your husband work.

Wife :
He’s involved in Oil & Gas.

Friend:
Wow... where is he based?

Wife:
Kitchen!!!

The lady who had crashed her car complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time....

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!