A teacher found her husband hanging in the bedroom. There was a note which read, "I can't take critism anymore."
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked,
"That's NOT how you spell Criticism my dear!!"
Here is a basic primer to the very special dialect of English spoken by EAST INDIANS.
1. Always use 'd' for 'th'
- For example: Dere for there; dat for that; taut for thought and tink for think.
2. Never pronounce 'h'. 'H' is always silent
- For example: 'ouse, 'ome, 'orrible.
3. Use 'wat' for what, even if there's no question asked or implied.
- For example: "You coming wit me, wat?"
4. Use a Hindi/Marathi verb with an English ending 'ing'.
- For example: Lagaoing.
5. To emphasize your point, use words twice.
- For example: "Aayee Nobby, walk fast-fast men or we'll miss da train."
6. Use the word "men", even if speaking to a woman.
- For example: "Aayee Gracie, 'ow you feeling now, men?"
7. Use the word 'no' even if the sentence doesn't have a negative connotation.
- For example: "Aayee Eric, Gracie makes good rice pulao, no?"
So now dat you got de 'ang of de language, 'ere some masterpieces of Macapao English, men:
SITUATION # 1:
Meeting Larry on Saturday morning in the bazar
- "Ow you men, Larry?"
SITUATION #2:
Larry's wife explaining how she bought fish at lunch later that day.
- "Da Koli woman no, was giving me dis dis small-small pomflit for bledy fifty rupees men. I told 'er not to do s'aan patti wid me, men."
SITUATION #3:
Elderly men from the gaothan talking at the local Irani joint during Sunday morning sermon.
- "Aare, dat bledy Sandy no, yesterday 'e lagaoed solid whisky at the communion party men."
SITUATION #4:
Spinster aunty yelling to school boy in Chuim village
- "You don't 'ave any sense, wat riding cykal so fas'-fas’, men"
SITUATION #5:
Cheering at Supari Talao during a football match
- "Cum, men Savio. Put tru men, put tru!"
SITUATION #6:
After a Saturday night binge...
- "Aaye, what men, bloody basket! what you are saying aboud my fadder and mudder?"
SITUATION #7:
Boys stealing mangoes in the afternoon in Rathodi village, near Malwani.
- "Aare see dere men, dere! Aare lef’ men, big bugger dere! Hit one s'ot with da catty men."
SITUATION #8:
Family rosary in the Pereira household
- "'Ail Mary, full of grace, da Lord is with dee, blessed art t'ou... Norma! NORMAA! Jus' see if da back door is locked… amongst women and blessed is da fruit of t'y womb Jesus.... it's closed no? OK baba...'oly Mary, Mudder of God…"
SITUATION #9:
Swapping recipes while standing and gossiping at the junction
- "You know T'eresa, dat day I took little ginger garlic, little onion, so much so much masala I ground, put chicken and da curry came out good men."
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?”
"No, I'm Jewish".
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
