Height of internet addiction
At a funeral.....
A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?
Priest: respect the dead
Visitor: all small letters?����
Friday, November 25, 2016
What is *TANJOOBERRYMUTTS*???
By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China!
Believe me... you WILL understand!!!
_The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China..._
Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.
Room Service: Ow ulai den?
Guest: .....What??
Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.
Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?
Guest: What?
Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?
Guest: I.... Don't think so...
RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.
RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?
Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RoomService: We botter?
Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.
RoomService: Wad?!?
Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.
RoomService: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.
RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??
Guest: Whatever you say.
RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.
Guest: You're welcome
Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do now, don't you? ✅
Effect of over flooded Diwali messages on WhatsApp. People reply even without reading at all most of the time.
One doctor receives message from his friend:
*My daughter suffers from vomiting and loose motions, what should I give?*
Doctor replied:
*Wishing you the same and entire family. Enjoy the moments with full fun and rejuvenate*
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep.He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman, Alita, carrying a child. She started walking towards the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos: The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked Alita, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
Alita replied, "We can't hear anything in the back...!!!"
After November 9th, 2016 Demonitization
Good night, sleep with your doors and windows open , nobody wants your money
......
Sharad Pawar has just been declared the poorest man in country !
......
Narendra Modi Allowed Rs 500 & 1000 Notes in Hospital Coz he Knew Many People Will Get a Heart Attack After This News !
.....
फिलहाल जिनके पास काला धन नहीं हैं वे whatsup पर है।
बाकी सब हिसाब लगा रहे हैं ☺☺
.....
Modi Ji ne kaha tha sabhi k Bank account mei 15 Lakh Ayenge.
Kisne socha tha log khud hi jma kraenge...!!
.....
Ye cheating hai!!
Kaala dhan bahar se laane ka vaada tha.
Yeh toh andar ka nikaal raha hai
.....
Heavy rush at hospitals... doctor Saab kisi bhi cheez ka operation kar do.....4-5 lakh wala
.....
Jumped red light, caught by police walah, gave him 1000 ka note. Police walah- Sir 100 hi de do...
.....
Sab se jyada problem to Big Boss k contestants ko hone wali h
Un becharo ko to pata bhi nhi bahar kya chal raha h
Jab tak bahar aayenge, tab tak sab khatam
.....
Abh chalu hogi asli Diwali saffai.
Chalo cubord ka kauna kauna saaf karo.
Aur dundo 500 Aur 1000 ka wo note khaha rakha tha.
.....
Diwali 30.10.2016
Labh Pancham - 06.11.2016
DIWALA - 09.11.2016
.....
India's 9/11 is more shocking thn America's... Lol
.....
America counting votes, India counting notes.
(Trump vs Hilary elections )
.....
There was this guy who had married 6 times, but each of his wives had died soon after the marriages.
He wanted to marry a seventh time.....
But there was no women willing, because of his reputation.
Finally one woman came forward.....
She too had married 6 times and each of her husbands had died soon after the marriages.
People were curious to know what would happen when these two got married to each other.
The wedding took place and the very next day.......
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
To know the remaining story, give me change for Rs.2000/-
A beautiful married woman fell sick, went to a middle aged doctor who said that he would cure her in 2 days. The lady promised to do anything for him if she got cured. The doctor cured her in 2 days & then asked the lady for 'one night' with him as promised. The lady was aghast, but to keep her promise, she went to the doctor's house. The doctor told her to get into his car; he also put a chair in the car & drove to a deserted place.....
..
..
..
And then asked her to sit on the chair the whole night ...in front of the bank...to keep his place, till it opened next day at 9.30 am!!! Demonetization effect
dirty mind
How to convert all your black money into white following the #DeMonetization?
-> *Step 1* - Create a political party, and get registered under Representation of People's Act, 1951.
[Not a difficult task. There are more than 1000 registered parties who didn't even contest 2014 Lok Sabha Election, and EC cannot de-register a party.]
-> *Step 2* - Donate all your black money to your party in parts, each part should be less than 20,000. You can make infinite such donations, and say that they came from people.
[According to the RP Act 1951, the political parties are not required to report (to the Election Commission of India (ECI)) the name of the individuals or organizations from whom they have received donations of amount less than Rs.20,000.]
-> *Step 3* - Go to bank, deposit all this amount in the party's account.
[No need to pay any income tax. Political parties are 100% exempted from income tax.]
-> *Step 4* - Withdraw the amount as and when you need, in 50 / 100 / 2000 ₹ notes - It is all white.
[Since Political Parties are not under RTI, you can't ask them how they spent their money.]
A woman gets cheated by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Wife
was in the ICU
The husband
was unable
to control his tears
Doctor:
We are
trying our best but
can't guarantee anything
Her body is not reacting
It seems she is in a coma
.
.
Husband:
Doctor, please save her
She is just 30 years old
and the family needs her
.
.
Suddenly
something
happened
Miraculously
the ECG started beeping
like crazy
A hand moved
her lips mumbled
And she spoke:
I'm 28..!
Monday, October 31, 2016
Q: How do you tickle a Rich Girl?
A: Gucci... Gucci... Gucci...
Q: How does a Rich Girl far?
A: Pradaaaa...!!!
Q: How does a Rich Girl Curse?
A: Oh Teri Fendi!
Q: How does a Rich Girl Sneeze.
A: Jimmy Choo... Jimmy Choo...
Q: How does a rich girl laugh?
A: Rolex on d floor laughing.
Q: How do you serenade a Rich Girl?
A: By singing her a romantic Cavalli.
Q: How does a rich girl exclaim?
A: Omega!
Q: What does a rich girl do when she's bored watching TV?
A: She changes the Chanel.
Q: How to annoy rich girl on fb?
A: Tag Heuer on your posts.
Q: What do you call an absconding rich girl?
A: Ferrari
A tourist asked a boat guide: Do you know Psychology, Geography, Geology and Criminology?
The Guide said 'No' to all the questions.
The Tourist then said: Idiot!!! You will die of Illiteracy.
Suddenly the boat started sinking and the Guide asked the Tourist: Do you know Swimology... Escapology away from Crocrodielogy?
The Tourist said: No.
The Guide Said: Today you will Drowncology... Crocodielogy will eat your Bodycology... and you will Diecology because of your bad Mouthocology.
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman, Alita, carrying a child. She started walking towards the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos: The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked Alita, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
Alita replied, "We can't hear anything in the back...!!!"
Doctor Depression Ke Patient Se: Ji Mam, Bataiye, Kya Takleef Hai?
Lady Patient: Doctor Sahab, Dimaag Mein Bahut Hi Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aate Hain, Rukte Hi Nahin.
Doctor: Kab Aate Hai, Yeh Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aur Kahan Aate Hai?
Lady Patient: Doctor Ji, Kabhi Bhi Aa Jaate Hain.... Aur Kahin Bhi...
Doctor: Achcha Batao Kaise Vichaar Aate Hain?
Lady Patient: Abhi Ki Hi Baat Lo... Jab Main Yahan Aayi Toh Aapke OPD Mein Ek Bhi Patient Nahin Thaa. Toh Main Sochne Lagi Ki Doctor Sahab Ke Paas Koi Bhi Patient Nahin Hai... Inki Kamai Kaise Hogi... Aur Kamaai Nahin Hogi Toh Ghar Kaise Chalega. Itna Paisa Kharch Kiya Hoga Studies Pe... Ab Kya Karenge.. Hospital Banaane Mein Bhi Bahut Paisaa Lagaya Hoga, Ab Loan Ki EMI Kaise Bharenge ? Apne Bachchon Ki Studies Ki Liya Kahan Se Paisa Layenge... Kahin Kisanon Ki Tarah Suicide Toh Nahin Kar Lenge... Ek Din...!! Bas Doctor Sahab Aise Hi Kuch Bhi Vichaar Aate Rehte Hain Man Mein...
Ab Doctor Depression Mein Hai.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
One day Chitragupt told Brahma that he should stop this scheme that if ladies keep Karva Chauth... they will get the same husband for the next 7 Janam.
Brahma asked, "Why?"
Chitragupt: Prabhu... it's becoming difficult to manage. The ladies want the same husband and the husbands want a new wife. It.s a problem to convince both.
Brahma: But this can't be stopped. It's been going on since times immemorial.
Just then Naarad muni comes and he suggested: On earth, there is a great person called 'Chanakya'. Ask him for a solution.
(Chitragupt meets Chanakya)
In one minute Chanakya solves the problem. He advised Chitragupt: Any lady who wants the same husband... tell her that, she will also get the same MOTHER IN LAW..!
All women screamed, "Nahiiiiiii!!!!!
A man finds a beautiful girl in an airline uniform at an airport cafe sitting next to him...
He thinks to himself: She is a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?
Hoping to get her attention he leans towards her and says the Jet airways slogan: The Joy Of Flying...
She doesn't pay any attention...
Again he leans and says the GoAir's slogan: Fly Smart... and again gets no response.
Again he leans over to say SpiceJet's slogan: Flying For Everyone...
This time the girl turns and says to him: Kya Takleef Hai Re Tere Ko Haramkhor???
Man leans back, smiles and says, "Ohhh.... Air India...!!!"
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business..." and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your @&$€£￥ change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"
Friday, October 28, 2016
After the closing ceremony of Rio 2016, Pappu called up Navjot Singh Siddhu and said: Ek Cricketer Hokar Bhi Aapne Badminton Mein Silver Medal Jeet Liya. Hats off to you SIDDHU Sir... Tussi Great Ho! Best wishes!!!
Siddhu has stopped laughing.
Then he called up M.S. Dhoni and said: Wah! Husband Cricket Mein World Cup Laya Aur Ab Wife Olympic Mein Bronze Medal... Aur Woh Bhi Wrestling Mein. Congrats to SAKSHI...
Dhoni is thinking to take retirement from ODIs also now.
Yet not over...
He called up director Ketan Mehta and said: DEEPA Ji Thode Ke Liye Reh Gayi.... Varna Gymnastics Mein Bhi India Ko Medal Mil Jaata. Congrats for having such a flexible wife. Better luck next time Ketan Ji.
Ketan Mehta is in ICU now.
A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny Canadian guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your silly axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes there is a mighty crash. The giant redwood is down, just barely missing the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure...... That's what they call it now!"
When I reached office, I got a call from my wife.
"What is the date today?" She said.
I was wondering... then told her 14th September... call disconnected.
I was wondering... her birthday? No...
Mine?? No...
Anniversary?? No...
Son's birthday!!! No...
In-laws Birthday... Anniversary? No...
Gas booking... done...
Utility payments... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time... his birthday... No...
Then?!? Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions... reached home...
Junior was playing in car park... I Asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... Tsunami???
Boy said, "All normal. Why?"
"Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?"
Boy smiled and told, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning... so she was confused..."
Being a husband is a tough job....
I called my Arab friend home for a traditional 'Onam Sadya' (traditional lunch).
The Arab friend asked me: Is the Onam lunch Veg or Non veg?
I told him: It's Vegetarian, are you coming?
He said he would come. And he came and sat for the 'Sadya' (lunch).
I placed the traditional big banana leaf and a glass of water in front of him to serve the Onam lunch, and went inside to bring the Onam meal.
When I came back, my Arab friend ate the big banana leaf and drank the water, and said: Masha Alla... Thamam... This is the first time I have ever eaten such a big leaf as 'Salad'...
HAPPY ONAM!
Ek Ameer Aurat Apni Kuch Problems leke ek Baba Ji Ke Paas gayi.
Baba Ji Bole: Beta... Chinta na kar. In Sabhi Problems Ka Hal Ho Jayega... Lekin Kuch Kharch Ayega.
Aurat: Kitna Kharch Ayega Baba Ji?
Baba: Mein Tumse Jyada Toh Nahin Le Sakta. Puranon Ke Anusaar Hamare Kul 33 Crore Devi-Devta Hain... Tum Sabke Naam Se Bas Ek-Ek Paisa Daan Kar Do.
Aurat Ne Man Hi Man Mein Calculate Kiya Toh Baba Ke Hisaan Se Kul 33 Lakh Lage Jayenge.
Lekin Vo Bhi Kaafi Tez Thi... Jhat Se Boli:
Theek Hai Baba Ji... Aap Baari-Bari Se Sabka Naam Lete Jaiye Mein Ek-Ek Paisa Rakhti Jaungi.
Baba Ji Abhi Bhi Behosh Hain...
A young blonde pilot is beginning flying lessons and is in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. The frantic young blonde pilot calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. I'm just learning to be a pilot. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Is the plane flying level? Is the instructor pilot strapped in his seat? Just give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(After a long pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio... Now, repeat after me: 'Our Father Who art in Heaven'..."
Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down.
After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you."
Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"
Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, "And you! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house - do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in, "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that's a good example too?"
And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."
Effect of over flooded Diwali messages on WhatsApp. People reply even without reading at all most of the time.
One doctor receives message from his friend:
*My daughter suffers from vomiting and loose motions, what should I give?*
Doctor replied:
*Wishing you the same and entire family. Enjoy the moments with full fun and rejuvenate*
What is TANJOOBERRYMUTTS???
By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China!
Believe me... you WILL understand!!!
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...
Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.
Room Service: Ow ulai den?
Guest: .....What??
Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.
Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?
Guest: What?
Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?
Guest: I.... Don't think so...
RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.
RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?
Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RoomService: We botter?
Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.
RoomService: Wad?!?
Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.
RoomService: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.
RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??
Guest: Whatever you say.
RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.
Guest: You're welcome
Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
And you do now, don't you?
Priest's Retirement Speech
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”
“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
The new dieter’s 10 commandments.
1. If you eat something and no one saw it ~ it has no calories.
2. When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more.
3. Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.
4. If people around us gain weight, we automatically become thinner.
5. If your movie ticket comes with a free tub of popcorn, it doesn’t count as food.
6. Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.
7. Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore ~ healthy.
8. Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.
9. Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach, which is why you should have it with every meal.
10. Frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories. The reason is that a calorie is a measurement of heat units.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
*Made for each other..*
Relationship is easy when
spouses know each other
Here are 2 classic examples:
1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.
He tells his wife,“Dear there was a drinking competition after meeting today.”
His wife spontaneously...,
“Who got the second position?”
2) A wife tells her husband,
“Dear there was a letter for you.
It’s written on the envelope,
‘Private and confidential.’”
The husband casually asks,
“What was written inside?"
Great understanding of each other.
One fine morning, a billionaire was taking a walk with his dog.
Suddenly a man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The dog was dead.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?".
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said, "Go, kill that son-of-a-bitch"".
The billionaire hugged the killer & with tears in his eyes said...
"I don't know who your English teacher was, but I am forever grateful to her".
A lady called the Ambulance service:
Lady: Ambulance Service?
Executive: Yes Madam, what happened?
Lady: While drinking coffee, accidently it fell on my saree.
Executive: Are you really looking for an ambulance for this Madam?
Lady: Actually my husband laughed at me.
Executive: Got it, Madam, the ambulance will be there in two minutes!
Towards the end of a wedding, the bride's father approached the groom and said, "Son, I received your last minute WhatsApp message asking me for a wedding gift. I found your request a bit strange, but have to fulfil your wish regardless. Here's the packet of four underwears you asked for".
The groom was startled, then looked at his message again and held his forehead, "Bloody Autocorrect! It was supposed to be 'Ford Endeavour'!!"
A perfect man
- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- always punctual
- prays daily
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp
Such a perfect man can only be found in Arthur Road jail.
A woman wanted to serve her guests mushroom smothered steak, But she had no mushrooms and noa time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?" The woman said, "No, as some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
The husband replied
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, Called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left..
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
*"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot;*
*He never even slowed down."*
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking.
George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush.
George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"
The man replies, "I'm not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"
This is really cracker.
Hospital Special
A woman called up Apollo hospital and asked~
"I want to know if the patient Rita Mehta in Room No 1438 is getting better??"
.
The RMO replied,
"She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days!"
.
The woman said,
"Thank God!
That's wonderful news!"
RMO:
" I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!"
.
Woman:
"No...no...
I am Rita Mehta. No one tells me anything here !"
Women are fickle minded.
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want matured men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50 ,they want faithful men.
Men are very simple.
At 18, they want pretty young girls.
At 25, they want pretty young girls.
At 30, they want pretty young girls.
At 40, they want pretty young girls.
At 50, they still want pretty young girls.
A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar. A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."
*Moral*.....
Drinkers are practical people!!!
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering,"says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns crying loudly
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaa :-(
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Reporter : swamiji, its so cold on this mountain top.
What's the secret of ur happiness ....even in this extreme weather conditions ! ? !!?
Swamiji : Tulasi and green tea.
Would u want to have Green Tea ?
Reporter: (all excited) ofcourse yes! ! ☺
Swamiji : "Tulasi, bring two cups of green tea pls" ....
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
This is my all time favourite one - THE HAWAIIAN GOOD LUCK SIGN
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!, Go! Go! Go! GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Will write again soon
Love,
Grandma
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge { still working }, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it !
They walk among us !
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
"WIFE: lets play a GAME
HUSBAND: what is the game?
WIFE: if i say the name of a colour run to the left wall, if i say the name of a fruit run to the right wall
HUSBAND: what do i get if i win?
wife: who ever loses has to obey the other person for the rest of their life
HUSBAND: okay I have to win this game!
WIFE: okay ready? Orange!
HUSBAND has been standing in the same spot for three days figuring out whether she said a colour or a fruit.
moral of the story: don’t mess with your WIFE, she will always outsmart you"
Sunday, September 25, 2016
A Gujrati businessman opened a zoo and made the entry fee Rs. 50. Nobody came.
He reduced it to Rs. 25 but still, nobody came.
Then Rs. 20...... and then Rs. 10, but still, nobody came.
So he made it free and the zoo was filled in no time.
Then Bhai released the lion ....
..
.
and made the Exit Fee Rs. 200.
.
.
Jo ghar housley sey banate hain, ussey "house" kahte hain
Jiss ghar mey home-hawan karte hain, ussey "Home" kahte hain
Jo ghar intne bade hote hain ki hawa badi zor sey chalti hai, ussey "Hawaeli" kahte hain
Jin gharon mey deewaare ke bhi kaan hote hain, ussey "Makaan" kahte hain
Aur jiss gharon ko Installmant bharte bharte aadmi laet jaata hai, ussey "FLAT" kahte hain.
hahahahhaa
Sunday, September 18, 2016
I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kanndaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kanndaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
A Gujrati businessman opened a zoo and made the entry fee Rs. 50. Nobody came. He reduced it to Rs. 25 but still, nobody came. Then Rs. 20...... and then Rs. 10, but still, nobody came.
So he made it free and the zoo was filled in no time.
So he made it free and the zoo was filled in no time.
Then Bhai released the lion ....
and made the Exit Fee Rs. 200.
and made the Exit Fee Rs. 200.
Friday, September 16, 2016
In a Bar run by a Parsi, there was a new Drink on the menu : Vodka HoMi !!!
Customer : What's this Drink?
Bawa : It's a cocktail of Vodka mixed with Honey and Milk.
Customer : Why Honey ???
Bawa : Honey gives Energy
Customer : What about Milk???
Bawa : Milk will give you strength
Customer : So why Vodka?
Bawa : Gadhero!!!
Vodka will give you Ideas about what to do with the Strength and Energy..!
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
The Pope’s Last Wish
The Pope lay dying. He sent a message for Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The Pope grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both Mukesh and Mallya were touched and flattered that the Pope would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because he had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, Mukesh asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The Pope mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."
I called my Arab friend home for a traditional 'Onam Sadya'.(traditional lunch)
The Arab friend asked me:
"Is the Onam lunch Veg or Non veg?"
I told him: "It's Vegetarian, are you coming? "
He said he would come... .
And he came and sat for the 'Sadya' (lunch).
I placed the traditional big banana leaf and a glass of water in front of him to serve the Onam lunch, and went inside to bring the Onam meal.
When I came back, my Arab friend ate the big banana leaf and drank the water, and said:
"Masha Alla ... Thamam... This is the first time I have ever eaten such a big leaf as 'salad' ..."
HAPPY ONAM!
*_Modern day ramayan_*
Door bell rings in a flat & a woman, alone in the house, opens the door
Beggar : Amma, please give me something
Woman : Here take
Beggar : Please come out & give
Woman : "Ok"
Beggar : Ha Ha Ha Ha i m ravan
Woman : Ha Ha Ha i m not sita, i m the kaamwali
Beggar : Ha Ha, even better, i still regret carrying away sita, mandodari will b happy, v want a maid, i m going to kidnap u
Woman : Ha Ha Ha, only ram came searching for sita, if i go missing, *_ALL_* people in the building will come searching for me
Ravan runs back
"Maid" in india
A terribly jealous wife used to inspect her husband very minutely every evening when he came back from work .....
Even The smallest hair discovered on his coat would lead to the most terrible argument.
One night, She found nothing.
She slapped him in anger and burst into tears and yelled :
"Now, even bald women ?"
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Monday, September 12, 2016
*NEW WHATSAPP GROUP FINES:��*
1. Repeating stories - Rs. 5000
2. For laughing late - Rs. 1000
3. For leaving the group and wanting to come back - Rs. 10,000
4. Posting nonsense - Rs. 2000
5. Wrong spellings - Rs. 2000
6. Being quiet (lurking ) - Rs. 6000
7. Changing group subject - Rs. 5000
8. For responding with one letter - Rs.10,000
9. For spreading rumours- Rs. 5000
10. Posting pakau pics - Rs. 2000 per pic
11. Deleting chats instantly without reading and asking for reposts. Rs.5000.
12. Not laughing at Admins jokes - 25,000
_*Being husband is a tough job*_
When I reached office, I got a call from my wife...
"What is the date today?"...
I was wondering...
Then told her 7th September...
Call disconnected...
I was wondering...
Her birthday???... No...
Mine???...No...
Anniversary???...no..
Son's birthday???...no...
In laws birthday anniversary??...no...
Gas booking??...done...
Utility payments??... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, squat and kill us and our time...his birthday???...no...
Then?!
Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...
Reached home...
Junior was playing in car park...
Asked him....how is the weather in kitchen???
Tornado???...tsunami???...
Boy told, "all normal. Why?"...
"Your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"...
Boy smiled and told me..."I tore some sheets from calendar in morning...she was confused..."
Haaaa...
*_Being husband is a tough job._*
��
Only in Barbados:
A woman lost her cell phone, after about 2 days she decided to call the number and see if anyone honest enough to answer.
She called and a man answered, "hello?"
she yelled,
"look daz my phone you have yah no "
the man said,
"you know how long I been waiting to hear who phone dis is?!"
She asked,
"u mean ya wanted to find out how to return it?!"
He answered ,
"Nooo! I want de charger..
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
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