"WIFE: lets play a GAME

HUSBAND: what is the game?
WIFE: if i say the name of a colour run to the left wall, if i say the name of a fruit run to the right wall
HUSBAND: what do i get if i win?
wife: who ever loses has to obey the other person for the rest of their life
HUSBAND: okay I have to win this game!
WIFE: okay ready? Orange!

HUSBAND has been standing in the same spot for three days figuring out whether she said a colour or a fruit.

moral of the story: don’t mess with your WIFE, she will always outsmart you"

Wife:
I need divorce because
my husband is not active.

Judge:
Maam, but your husband is a
Kabaddi champion.

Wife :That's the problem,
he touches me &  runs away!!

Kabaddi Kabaddi Kabaddi

My Boss emailed me, "Send me one of your funny jokes."

I replied, "I'm working. I will send you one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic. Send me another one."


Lol

● Beggar : Please give me Rs 20/- for tea ...

◆ Man : Tea is only 10₹ na ....

● Beggar  : Its for my girlfriend too ...

◆Man : Arre wah ... Beggar makes girlfriends too ....

●Beggar : No sir. My girlfriend made me beggar ...

                   

A Gujrati businessman opened a zoo and made the entry fee Rs. 50. Nobody came. 

He reduced it to Rs. 25 but still, nobody came. 

Then Rs. 20...... and then Rs. 10, but still, nobody came.

So he made it free and the zoo was filled in no time.

Then Bhai released the lion ....

..

.

and made the Exit Fee Rs. 200.
.
.

The River with #Male name (#Krishna ) is flowing silently between 3 States...!

But the River with #Female name (#Cauvery ) is always creating Problem..!

Interviewer -  Tumko excel aata hai kya.. ?

Candidate-

.

.

.

.

.

Aa to jayega,  par thoda tight hoga, main XXL pahanta hun

JOB in Airtel.
Send ur resume to careers@airtel.in

Last Date:
30th Dec 2016.

Location:Mumbai.

Salary: 95,000/- per month.

Job Description:
To sit on Airtel tower
& stop JIO signals!

Jo ghar housley sey banate hain, ussey  "house" kahte hain

Jiss ghar mey home-hawan karte hain, ussey "Home" kahte hain

Jo ghar intne bade hote hain ki hawa badi zor sey chalti hai, ussey "Hawaeli" kahte hain

Jin gharon mey deewaare ke bhi kaan hote hain, ussey "Makaan" kahte hain

Aur jiss gharon ko Installmant bharte bharte aadmi laet jaata hai, ussey "FLAT" kahte hain.

hahahahhaa

Ek mahila mall sey biscuit churate hue pakdi gayi

Judge ne kaha : Tumne jo biscuit churaya, uss mey 10 biscuit thay. Issliye tumhe 10 days ki jail ki saza di jaati hai.

Tabi pati peeche sey chillaya : JUDGE SAHAB, ISSNEY SABUDANA KA PACKET BHI CHURAYA HAI!!!!

..

HEHEHEHEHEH!

I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kanndaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.

The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kanndaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

● Beggar : Please give me Rs 20/- for tea ...

◆ Man : Tea is only 10₹ na ....

● Beggar  : Its for my girlfriend too ...

◆Man : Arre wah ... Beggar makes girlfriends too ....

●Beggar : No sir. My girlfriend made me beggar ...

                   

A Gujrati businessman opened a zoo and made the entry fee Rs. 50. Nobody came. He reduced it to Rs. 25 but still, nobody came. Then Rs. 20...... and then Rs. 10, but still, nobody came.
So he made it free and the zoo was filled in no time.

Then Bhai released the lion ....
and made the Exit Fee Rs. 200.

The River with #Male name (#Krishna ) is flowing silently between 3 States...!

But the River with #Female name (#Cauvery ) is always creating Problem..!

In a Bar run by a Parsi, there was a new Drink on the menu : Vodka HoMi !!!  

Customer : What's this Drink? 

Bawa : It's a cocktail of Vodka mixed with Honey and Milk.  

Customer : Why Honey ???

Bawa : Honey gives Energy  

Customer : What about Milk??? 

Bawa : Milk will give you strength

Customer : So why Vodka? 

Bawa : Gadhero!!!
Vodka will give you Ideas about what to do with the Strength and Energy..!

At a funeral.....

A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: Is that with capital "R" ?

Introducing girlfriend to my family : This is Jane.

Jane: Hi

Wife: WTF???!!!!

Wife : Where are you?

Husband : Kitchen

W: Feed cat

H: I mean, I'm in the bedroom

W: Ok, take the clothes near the door to the bathroom

H: Er I'm already in the bathroom now

W: Ok, wash the toilet

H: (Angry ) I'm in Delhi

W: Bring 1kg basmati rice

.

Hehehe

HR addressing employees-

HR Head: This year too, increments will be as per the Bell Curve

Employee: what is that ?

HR Head: Let me put it in Hindi, "Ghanta milega"..!

The Pope’s Last Wish

The Pope lay dying. He sent a message for Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The Pope grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both Mukesh and Mallya were touched and flattered that the Pope would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because he had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, Mukesh asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The Pope mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

  99% Indians work bY the
*Principle of Rocket*

It does not mean, we aim for skY...

_It means, we dO not start work unless our TAIL is on fire !!

I called my Arab friend home for a traditional 'Onam Sadya'.(traditional lunch)

The Arab friend asked me:
"Is the Onam lunch Veg or Non veg?"

I told him: "It's Vegetarian, are you coming? "
He said he would come... .
And he came and sat for the 'Sadya' (lunch).

I placed the traditional big banana leaf and a glass of water in front of him to serve the Onam lunch, and went inside to bring the Onam meal.

When I came back, my Arab friend ate the big banana leaf and drank the water, and said:
"Masha Alla ... Thamam... This is the first time I have ever eaten such a big leaf as 'salad' ..."

HAPPY ONAM!

Son: Dad, U said that we
         are created by God
         and Mom said that we
         have evolved from
         monkeys, Which is
         true?

Dad :  I told U about my
             side of the family
              and she told about
               her side of the
               family.
           

*_Modern day ramayan_*

Door bell rings in a flat & a woman, alone in the house, opens the door

Beggar : Amma, please give me something
Woman : Here take
Beggar : Please come out & give
Woman : "Ok"
Beggar : Ha Ha Ha Ha i m ravan
Woman : Ha Ha Ha i m not sita, i m the kaamwali
Beggar : Ha Ha, even better, i still regret carrying away sita, mandodari will b happy, v want a maid, i m going to kidnap u
Woman : Ha Ha Ha, only ram came searching for sita, if i go missing, *_ALL_* people in the building will come searching for me

Ravan runs back

"Maid" in india

A terribly jealous wife used to inspect her husband very minutely every evening when he came back  from work .....

Even The smallest hair discovered on his coat would lead to the most terrible argument.

One night, She found nothing.

She slapped him in anger and burst into tears and yelled :

"Now, even bald women ?"

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

*NEW WHATSAPP GROUP FINES:��*

1. Repeating stories - Rs. 5000

2. For laughing late - Rs. 1000

3. For leaving the group and wanting to come back - Rs. 10,000

4. Posting nonsense - Rs. 2000

5. Wrong spellings - Rs. 2000

6. Being quiet (lurking ) - Rs. 6000

7. Changing group subject - Rs. 5000

8. For responding with one letter - Rs.10,000

9. For spreading rumours- Rs. 5000

10. Posting pakau pics - Rs. 2000 per pic

11. Deleting chats instantly without reading and asking for reposts. Rs.5000.

12. Not laughing at Admins jokes - 25,000

In ancient greece, throwing an apple at a woman , was considered
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL... still it is on... ,

throw an apple (iphone 7) & she will definitely say YES.......��

_*Being husband is a tough job*_

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife...
"What is the date today?"...
I was wondering...
Then told her 7th September...
Call disconnected...
I was wondering...
Her birthday???... No...
Mine???...No...
Anniversary???...no..
Son's birthday???...no...
In laws birthday anniversary??...no...
Gas booking??...done...
Utility payments??... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, squat and kill us and our time...his birthday???...no...
Then?!
Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions...
Reached home...
Junior was playing in car park...
Asked him....how is the weather in kitchen???
Tornado???...tsunami???...
Boy told, "all normal. Why?"...
"Your mom asked me..what is the date today in the morning?"...
Boy smiled and told me..."I tore some sheets from calendar in morning...she was confused..."
Haaaa...
*_Being husband is a tough job._*
��

*Person 1*: "What's hypnotism?"

*Person 2*: "Taking control over someone & making him perform as per your wish."

*Person 1*: "Nonsense! That's marriage."

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you are drunk".

I asked, "how do you know?"

She said, "you live next door."

Only in Barbados:

A woman lost her cell phone, after about 2 days she decided to call the number and see if anyone honest enough to answer.

She called and a  man answered, "hello?" 

she yelled,
"look daz my phone you have yah no "

the man said,
"you know how long I been waiting to hear who phone dis is?!"

She asked,
"u mean ya wanted to find out how to return it?!"

He answered ,
"Nooo! I want de charger..