A man parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on...

A police constable stops him and asks: Why did you park your bicycle here.... dont you know its a vip road and many mp's, sometimes cm's, PM & even President pass from here...

Man replied: Dont worry, I hv locked my bicycle.

👌👌😊😊😊😝

You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

There are five types of fear.

1. terror

2: panic

3. 14 missed calls from mom

4: username or password is incorrect

5. we need to talk

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

My dog is like a POLITICIAN

(No offence intended- to dogs)

Diet Day 1:

I have portioned out all my meals for a week.

Diet Day 2:

All of my portions for the week are now gone.

:-(

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the hell is in a can of RAID? 

Lol!

Why should we hire you?

Maid : Madam, I turn on the fan after sweeping.

Me: HIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

If a man listens to u in less than 5 minutes then he is ur dad.

If a man listens to u in 15 minutes then he is ur brother.

If a man listens to u in 30 minutes then he is ur son.

If a man listens to u in 1 hour then he is ur boy friend.

And ultimately

If a man pretends to listens to u all the time but does not remember a word of what u said no matter how important,  then he is....???????

..
..

..
..

Yes , Yes....

You are correct!!!!!!
😆
....
.
.
.
.he is deaf😆

Harr chiz mein kya husband husband😜😜

_Man buys a pack of cigarette_

_Warning reads_
*smoking causes impotency*

_Goes back to store,_

_says:_

* Yeah kaun sa pack de diya bhai! Woh cancer wala do *

Ultimate !

📞☎ Phone rings at night.

Husband: " If its for me, then say I am not at home"

Wife : " He is at home" & disconnects

Husband in anger : " What the HELL?"

Wife  : " SHUT UP. IT WAS FOR ME"😜😝😂😂😂😂

When a Gujju says,
'Jignes no dikro states maa gayo',

he doesn't mean...jignesh's son went to USA

what he really means is,
'Jignesh's son failed in Statistics'....

:: :: This was *Apple CEO Tim Cook's* schedule in Mumbai :

4.45 am - Visit to *Siddhivinayak Temple*

6am - Meeting with the *Ambanis* in Antilia

1pm - Meeting with *Cyrus Mistry - Head of Tata Group*

4pm - Meeting with *Altaf bhai* in *Manish market* to understand how the iPhone can be unlocked for Rs. 150/-

💃1st time in India....
💃In north- Mehbooba
💃South- Jayalalita
💃East- Mamta
💃West- Anandiben

(All four directions... Women CM....Without Husband...) In centre Narendra Modi without wife.😀😀

Tim Cook apple CEO calls me the other day and says I want to meet Madhuri Dixit..

i said iGa...why do you want to meet her?

...Tim said..I have seen her in a movie song..Choli...something where she keeps calling my name constantly... Cook...Cook... Cook...Cook.

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up. The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a Masters in maths and have been teaching maths for 35+ years," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Himesh Reshamiya's movie and to meet him back stage, ... What is 2+2?"

I replied, "75"

April Fool
------------

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SENDING APRIL FOOL MESSAGES. WE MARRIED WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY DAY. 

THANKS

Thief : Tera paisa nikaal

Man : Do you know I'm a politician?

Thief : Accha ... Toh saale, MERA paisa nikaal....

Waiter : What whould you like to order, Maam?

Me : Pahle tu free wi-fi ka password bata!

LoL!

Women live a better, longer and peaceful life compared to men. WHY?

A very INTELLIGENT man replied : Women don't have a wife.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehe

Husband : Now second person helmet compulsory rule has been applied in Bangalore.

Wife: Next weekend we havet to buy helmets to match all my dresses.

Husband sold his bike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby to his friend:

Oh man, I think my wife is an angel. At night when I wake up I see her face glowing under the sheet that she has covered herself.

Friend : Bro, change your password, your wife is going through your phone!!!

Man buys a packet of cigarettes.

Warning reads: SMOKING CAUSES IMPOTENCY.

Goes back to the store, says:

"Yeah kaun sa pack de diya bhai? Woh cancer wala de do"

(What pack have you given me? Give me the cancer one!!)

hahahahahaha!

Twitter reactions to Sanjay Dutts release:

Maybe Sanjay Dutt has been released coz of low attendance @rameshsrivats 

Sanjay Dutt got 162 days off in his jail term. Better leave policy than Infosys. 
@Trendulkar 

SD: Suno, mai jail ja raha hoon.
Wife: Theek hai. Shyam ko parole par waapas aate samay, sabzi lekar aana.
@AksharPathak 

Wife: Come over 
SD: Cant. Am in jail.
Wife: Parents aint home 
SD: Oooh!
@Theyashbhardwaj 


For a married man, home = jail. SD gets parole  from home to visit the jail sometimes. 
@Stuffednstarved 


Someday we are going to make a colony in honour of SD and call it PAROLE BAUG  
@doctoratlarge

PLANS FOR EASTER

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean ??
Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!😂

My friend invited me to his home for Pooja, and I sat at the front row.

When it was time for offering, the offering plate was passed around. Despite the Priest 's call for good offering, I still hurriedly and secretly pulled out an old worn out note of Rs 5 from my pocket and dropped it. 

Just then, the person behind me tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a Rs.1000 note. I smiled, so generous. Then majestically, I looked around and put the Rs.1000 in the plate and passed it on. 

Then I turned and thanked the man seriously for being so generous. 

He replied "don't mention'' , be more careful next time, it fell from your pocket" 

Whaaaat!!!!!???????......." 

Doctor : 
Your Liver is enlarged 

Patient : 
Does that mean it has space for more whisky ? 

This is called... .... ....

.... ...Positive Thinking.

Unrecorded conversation between Joseph of Arimathea & Pontius Pilate.

Pilate: "Joseph, I don't understand.  You're the richest man in the region; you have made this brand new tomb for you and your family; and, you're going to give it to lay Jesus?" 

Joseph responded "It's just for the weekend!"

PASHA bhai's one leg had turned blue..

He went to the doctor..

Doctor: "poison has spread pasha bhai. The leg needs to be amputated.."

Operation took place and pasha bhai's one leg was removed.

After few days, another leg turned blue.

Doctor: "poison has widely spread. We need to amputate this leg too.."

Now pasha bhai had two artificial legs fixed.

After few days, artificial leg turned blue too..

Doctor: now I understand your problem. Pasha bhai, your lungi is leaving color...

A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the Bill"... 

A man entered the restaurant and ate as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill he laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "only my grandchildren will pay"

The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's Bill"........the man fainted.... 

A husband got a Taawiz from a Baba to control his wife.

After 1 month ........

Husband : Baba, wife per koi asar nahi huva, par padosan vash mey aa gayi.

Baba :  Chalo, effect na sahi, SIDE EFFECT toh hua!!!

Lol!

A guy calls up the Radio Station:

"Hi, I'd like you to play the song, "Tu hai ke nahi" from the movie, Roy.

RJ - Nice choice. To whom would you like to dedicate this beautiful song.

Guy - To my increment :-(

When her child’s towel was 
stolen during a school swimming trip, an irate parent demanded 
of the class teacher, “What kind of petty thieves are in class with my child?!”

“I’m sure it was taken accidentally,” said the Teacher. “What does it look like?”

“It’s white,” said the parent. “And it says Holiday Inn on it.”