Rich Girls

Q: How do you tickle a Rich Girl?
A: Gucci... Gucci... Gucci...

Q: How does a Rich Girl far?
A: Pradaaaa...!!!

Q: How does a Rich Girl Curse?
A: Oh Teri Fendi!

Q: How does a Rich Girl Sneeze.
A: Jimmy Choo... Jimmy Choo...

Q: How does a rich girl laugh?
A: Rolex on d floor laughing.

Q: How do you serenade a Rich Girl?
A: By singing her a romantic Cavalli.

Q: How does a rich girl exclaim?
A: Omega!

Q: What does a rich girl do when she's bored watching TV?
A: She changes the Chanel.

Q: How to annoy rich girl on fb?
A: Tag Heuer on your posts.

Q: What do you call an absconding rich girl?
A: Ferrari

A tourist asked a boat guide: Do you know Psychology, Geography, Geology and Criminology?

The Guide said 'No' to all the questions.

The Tourist then said: Idiot!!! You will die of Illiteracy.

Suddenly the boat started sinking and the Guide asked the Tourist: Do you know Swimology... Escapology away from Crocrodielogy?

The Tourist said: No.

The Guide Said: Today you will Drowncology... Crocodielogy will eat your Bodycology... and you will Diecology because of your bad Mouthocology.

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman, Alita, carrying a child. She started walking towards the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos: The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked Alita, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

Alita replied, "We can't hear anything in the back...!!!"

A blonde was selling her pet Python on  E-Bay

A guy called her up and asked if it was big.

She said: "It's massive."

He said: "How many feet?"

She said: "None - it's a snake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Doctor Depression Ke Patient Se: Ji Mam, Bataiye, Kya Takleef Hai?

Lady Patient: Doctor Sahab, Dimaag Mein Bahut Hi Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aate Hain, Rukte Hi Nahin.

Doctor: Kab Aate Hai, Yeh Ulte-Seedhe Vichaar Aur Kahan Aate Hai?

Lady Patient: Doctor Ji, Kabhi Bhi Aa Jaate Hain.... Aur Kahin Bhi...

Doctor: Achcha Batao Kaise Vichaar Aate Hain?

Lady Patient: Abhi Ki Hi Baat Lo... Jab Main Yahan Aayi Toh Aapke OPD Mein Ek Bhi Patient Nahin Thaa. Toh Main Sochne Lagi Ki Doctor Sahab Ke Paas Koi Bhi Patient Nahin Hai... Inki Kamai Kaise Hogi... Aur Kamaai Nahin Hogi Toh Ghar Kaise Chalega. Itna Paisa Kharch Kiya Hoga Studies Pe... Ab Kya Karenge.. Hospital Banaane Mein Bhi Bahut Paisaa Lagaya Hoga, Ab Loan Ki EMI Kaise Bharenge ? Apne Bachchon Ki Studies Ki Liya Kahan Se Paisa Layenge... Kahin Kisanon Ki Tarah Suicide Toh Nahin Kar Lenge... Ek Din...!! Bas Doctor Sahab Aise Hi Kuch Bhi Vichaar Aate Rehte Hain Man Mein...

Ab Doctor Depression Mein Hai.

One day Chitragupt told Brahma that he should stop this scheme that if ladies keep Karva Chauth... they will get the same husband for the next 7 Janam.

Brahma asked, "Why?"

Chitragupt: Prabhu... it's becoming difficult to manage. The ladies want the same husband and the husbands want a new wife. It.s a problem to convince both.

Brahma: But this can't be stopped. It's been going on since times immemorial.

Just then Naarad muni comes and he suggested: On earth, there is a great person called 'Chanakya'. Ask him for a solution.

(Chitragupt meets Chanakya)

In one minute Chanakya solves the problem. He advised Chitragupt: Any lady who wants the same husband... tell her that, she will also get the same MOTHER IN LAW..!

All women screamed, "Nahiiiiiii!!!!!

A man finds a beautiful girl in an airline uniform at an airport cafe sitting next to him...

He thinks to himself: She is a flight attendant, but which airline does she work for?

Hoping to get her attention he leans towards her and says the Jet airways slogan: The Joy Of Flying...

She doesn't pay any attention...

Again he leans and says the GoAir's slogan: Fly Smart... and again gets no response.

Again he leans over to say SpiceJet's slogan: Flying For Everyone...

This time the girl turns and says to him: Kya Takleef Hai Re Tere Ko Haramkhor???

Man leans back, smiles and says, "Ohhh.... Air India...!!!"

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business..." and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your @&$€£￥ change!"

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

After the closing ceremony of Rio 2016, Pappu  called up Navjot Singh Siddhu and said: Ek Cricketer Hokar Bhi Aapne Badminton Mein Silver Medal Jeet Liya. Hats off to you SIDDHU Sir... Tussi Great Ho! Best wishes!!!
Siddhu has stopped laughing.

Then he called up M.S. Dhoni and said: Wah! Husband Cricket Mein World Cup Laya Aur Ab Wife Olympic Mein Bronze Medal... Aur Woh Bhi Wrestling Mein. Congrats to SAKSHI...
Dhoni is thinking to take retirement from ODIs also now.

Yet not over...
He called up director Ketan Mehta and said: DEEPA Ji Thode Ke Liye Reh Gayi.... Varna Gymnastics Mein Bhi India Ko Medal Mil Jaata. Congrats for having such a flexible wife. Better luck next time Ketan Ji.
Ketan Mehta is in ICU now.

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny Canadian guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your silly axe and cut it down."

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes there is a mighty crash. The giant redwood is down, just barely missing the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," says the guy.

The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

"Sure...... That's what they call it now!"

When I reached office, I got a call from my wife.

"What is the date today?" She said.

I was wondering... then told her 14th September... call disconnected.
I was wondering... her birthday? No...
Mine?? No...
Anniversary?? No...
Son's birthday!!! No...
In-laws Birthday... Anniversary? No...
Gas booking... done...
Utility payments... done...
Her uncle who arrives when we want to go out, sqat and kill us and our time... his birthday... No...
Then?!? Why date???
Lunch and evening tea went with spinning questions... reached home...

Junior was playing in car park... I Asked him, "How is the weather in kitchen? Tornado... Tsunami???

Boy said, "All normal. Why?"

"Your mom asked me... what is the date today in the morning?"

Boy smiled and told, "I tore some sheets from calendar in morning... so she was confused..."

Being a husband is a tough job....

I called my Arab friend home for a traditional 'Onam Sadya' (traditional lunch).

The Arab friend asked me: Is the Onam lunch Veg or Non veg?

I told him: It's Vegetarian, are you coming?

He said he would come. And he came and sat for the 'Sadya' (lunch).

I placed the traditional big banana leaf and a glass of water in front of him to serve the Onam lunch, and went inside to bring the Onam meal.

When I came back, my Arab friend ate the big banana leaf and drank the water, and said: Masha Alla... Thamam... This is the first time I have ever eaten such a big leaf as 'Salad'...

HAPPY ONAM!

Ek Ameer Aurat Apni Kuch Problems leke ek Baba Ji Ke Paas gayi.

Baba Ji Bole: Beta... Chinta na kar. In Sabhi Problems Ka Hal Ho Jayega... Lekin Kuch Kharch Ayega.

Aurat: Kitna Kharch Ayega Baba Ji?

Baba: Mein Tumse Jyada Toh Nahin Le Sakta. Puranon Ke Anusaar Hamare Kul 33 Crore Devi-Devta Hain... Tum Sabke Naam Se Bas Ek-Ek Paisa Daan Kar Do.

Aurat Ne Man Hi Man Mein Calculate Kiya Toh Baba Ke Hisaan Se Kul 33 Lakh Lage Jayenge.

Lekin Vo Bhi Kaafi Tez Thi... Jhat Se Boli:

Theek Hai Baba Ji... Aap Baari-Bari Se Sabka Naam Lete Jaiye Mein Ek-Ek Paisa Rakhti Jaungi.

Baba Ji Abhi Bhi Behosh Hain...

A young blonde pilot is beginning flying lessons and is in a two-seater airplane with just the instructor pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. The frantic young blonde pilot calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. I'm just learning to be a pilot. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Is the plane flying level? Is the instructor pilot strapped in his seat? Just give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

(After a long pause)

"O.K." says the voice on the radio... Now, repeat after me: 'Our Father Who art in Heaven'..."

Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down.

After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you."

Everyone gets silent and they all listen.

"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"

Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, "And you! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house - do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"

Then Pauly charges back in, "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that's a good example too?"

And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?

And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."

Effect of over flooded Diwali messages on WhatsApp.  People reply even without reading at all most of the time.

One doctor receives message from his friend:

*My daughter suffers from vomiting and loose motions, what should I give?*

Doctor replied:

*Wishing you the same and entire family. Enjoy the moments with full fun and rejuvenate*

What is TANJOOBERRYMUTTS???

By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China!

Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

Room Service: Ow ulai den?

Guest: .....What??

Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

Guest: Crisp will be fine.

Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

Guest: What?

Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

Guest: I.... Don't think so...
RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RoomService: We botter?

Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

RoomService: Wad?!?

Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

RoomService: Copy?

Guest: Excuse me?

RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?

Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

Guest: Whatever you say.

RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.

Guest: You're welcome 

Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

And you do now, don't you?

Priest's Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”

“I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning: I'm sorry, Mr. Bradford's on another line.

Caller: This is Mr. Ingram's office, we'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now.

Secretary: He's talking to his wife. Right now, I'd say he's sheepish

A guy at a Samsung store: "are you sure the phone blows up or shall I pick another gift for my wife?"

Height of internet addiction

At a funeral.....

A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters?

Kaamwali ko bakshish diya....
Clients ko dryfruits diya....
Staff ko gifts diya....
Friends ko daru diya....

Now I understand why Diwali is a festival of diyas!! ��

The new dieter’s 10 commandments.

1. If you eat something and no one saw it ~ it has no calories.

2. When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more.

3. Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.

4. If people around us gain weight, we automatically become thinner.

5. If your movie ticket comes with a free tub of popcorn, it doesn’t count as food.

6. Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.

7. Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore ~ healthy.

8. Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.

9. Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach, which is why you should have it with every meal.

10. Frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories. The reason is that a calorie is a measurement of heat units.

      *Made for each other..*

Relationship is easy when
spouses know each other

Here are 2 classic  examples:

1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.
He tells his wife,“Dear there was a drinking competition after meeting today.”

His wife spontaneously...,
   “Who got the second position?”

2) A wife tells her husband,
“Dear there was a letter for you.
It’s written on the envelope,
‘Private and confidential.’”

The husband casually asks,
     “What was written inside?"

Great understanding of each other.

Ladke waale : Ladke ki taraf sey, ""Haan" "hai

Ladki waale: Ladki ki taraf sry, "Hmmmm" hai

Ek aadmi ney mujsey poocha, "Madam, jootay kahan milenge?"

Maine jawaab diya, "Har jagah mil sakte hain. Bass aap mey woh goon honey chahiye "

Lol

Jo ladkiyan school mey mujsey kahti thi ki shakal dekhi hai apni,

.

Aaj unhi ladkiyon ka husband dekh-kar
.

Dil ko sukoooooooon milta hai

One fine morning, a billionaire was taking a walk with his dog.
Suddenly a man ran out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times. The dog was dead.
The billionaire screamed at the killer, "Why did you do that?". 
The killer answered, "Your wife gave me $50,000 and said, "Go, kill that son-of-a-bitch"".

The billionaire hugged the killer & with tears in his eyes said...

"I don't know who your English teacher was, but I am forever grateful to her".

*Earlier* CHAKRAVIEW: Once you enter, difficult to get out.

*Now* WHATSAPP, FB, YOUTUBE : Once you enter, difficult to get out

A lady called the Ambulance service:
Lady: Ambulance Service?
Executive: Yes Madam, what happened?
Lady: While drinking coffee, accidently it fell on my saree.
Executive: Are you really looking for an ambulance for this Madam?
Lady: Actually my husband laughed at me.
Executive: Got it, Madam, the ambulance will be there in two minutes!

Towards the end of a wedding, the bride's father approached the groom and said, "Son, I received your last minute WhatsApp message asking me for a wedding gift. I found your request a bit strange, but have to fulfil your wish regardless. Here's the packet of four underwears you asked for".

The groom was startled, then looked at his message again and held his forehead, "Bloody Autocorrect! It was supposed to be 'Ford Endeavour'!!"

When Gandhiji visited Maharashtra and Goa,
he said ( in Marathi)......

"Daaru Soda Aani Paani Piya."

People misunderstood it till date, and Mix All Three and have them .....��

A perfect man
- wakes up at 5 am everyday
- exercises everyday
- makes his own bed
- cleans his room
- works sincerely
- does not touch alcohol
- helps in the kitchen
- does not indulge in night life
- always punctual
- prays daily
- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

Such a perfect man can only be found in Arthur Road jail.

Judge:
Why are you divorcing your husband?

Wife:
We have major religious differences

Judge:
What are those differences?

Wife :
He thinks he is God.
I don't.

Kashmir aur wife mein kya samanta hai-

Ans. Waise to dono hi samasya hai... par
padosi nazar daale to gussa aata hai...

A woman wanted to serve her guests mushroom smothered steak, But she had no mushrooms and noa time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?" The woman said, "No, as some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

The husband replied
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, Called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left..

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....
"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

*"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot;*
*He never even slowed down."*

Interviewer : Would u say you are independent?

Me (looks at mom)

[Mom nods]

Me : Yes!

Lady: My husband who had gone to buy Dosa mix is missing since last 3 days?

Police: What were you doing since last 3 days???

Lady: Somehow managing with Upma and Poha 

Happens in Tamil Nadu ...
Teacher: "why were you absent for 3 days?"
Student: "Lakshmi died"
Teacher: "Who Lakshmi ?  "
Student: "My appa's wife...!!!"
Teacher: ""why don't you say your amma died"
Student: "if I say amma died police will arrest me ...!!!" :)

Instead of burning a phataka ,,,
,
,
Date a phataka...!!!

Have an eco-friendly diwali..

Applicable to bachelors only!

Because married people are already living with a nuclear bomb!

A guy at a Samsung store: "are you sure the phone blows up or shall I pick another gift for my wife?"

Santa : I am suffering with loose motions...

Doctor : Have you tried lemon ???

Santa : Yes, but when I remove it, it continues...!!!

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him 

"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"

He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"

"Nonsense how can you be so precise"

"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital),  and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went  well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was  reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently  patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to  pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned  sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a  humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters -   they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send   the bill to my brother-in-law."

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?"

But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking.

George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush.

George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"

The man replies, "I'm not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him

No, the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

This is really cracker.

Hospital Special

A woman called up Apollo hospital and asked~
"I want to know if the patient Rita Mehta in Room No 1438 is getting better??"
.
The RMO replied,
"She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days!"
.
The woman said,
"Thank God!
That's wonderful news!"

RMO:
" I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!"
.
Woman:
"No...no...
I am Rita Mehta. No one tells me anything here !"

इंडिया भी कमाल का देश है!

100 डायल करो तो पुलिस आ जाती है..

100  दे दो तो चली जाती है..

Foreign: Name - Joseph.

Nickname: Joey

India : Name - Abhimanyu Singh

Nickname - Chunnu

Women are fickle minded.
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want matured men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50 ,they want faithful men.

Men are very simple.
At 18, they want pretty young girls.
At 25, they want pretty young girls.
At 30, they want pretty young girls.
At 40, they want pretty young girls.
At 50, they still want pretty young girls.

A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar. A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said - "Tell me!!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"
"My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."

*Moral*.....

Drinkers are practical people!!!

I have been receiving lot of messages not to buy Chinese goods.....

But so far I haven't received a single message

' Don't eat Chinese food'

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,  "Well, how did you do?"

" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:  "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering,"says Superman.    After half an hour he returns and they ask him,  "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:  "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."    Half an hour later, he returns crying loudly

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaa :-(

Best answer heard so far...

Teacher-- "Why did Sita go to the  jungle with  Ram ?"

Boy - "If you have 3 mother-in-laws in the house, then jungle is a better place to be!!!!!

Wife: I’m heading to the store. Do you want anything?

Hubby:  I want a sense of meaning & purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness to my soul. I want to connect to God and discover the spiritual side to me......

Wife adds beer to the grocery list

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student:  OMG!!! I didn't even know they were catholics.

hehehehehehee

Shortest termination letter....

October 24,2016

To,
Mr Cyrus Mistry
Mumbai,

Dear Cyrus,

TATA

Definition of Biwi:

Biwi vo hoti hai jo shaadi ke baad apne pati ki sari aadto ko badal deti hai aur fir kehti hai.. "aap pehle jaise nahi rahe".

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: 

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." 

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. 

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: 

"Will I be acquitted?"

Reporter : swamiji, its so cold on this mountain top.
What's the secret of ur happiness ....even in this extreme weather conditions ! ? !!?

Swamiji : Tulasi and green tea.
Would  u want to have Green Tea ?

Reporter: (all excited) ofcourse yes! ! ☺

Swamiji : "Tulasi, bring two cups of green tea pls" ....

My Boss emailed me, "Send me one of ur funny jokes "

I replied, "I'm working. I will send u one later."

He replied, "That was fantastic. Send me another one."

☹

Boss: Where do u see the Company after 3 Quarters?

Employee: After 3 Quarters I dont care about the Company. I just do Naagin Dance

Ladke waale : Ladke ki taraf sey, ""Haan" "hai

Ladki waale: Ladki ki taraf sry, "Hmmmm" hai

I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I’d had it. 

"Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded. 

Thrilled, he yelled back, "That depends, will HE take me to the zoo?"

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.' 

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. 

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked. 

"What do you mean?" I said. 

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

This is my all time favourite one - THE HAWAIIAN GOOD LUCK SIGN

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience  followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!, Go! Go! Go! GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon

Love,

Grandma

Teacher to 4 Year old kid : "What's your Mom's name?"

4 yr old kid : "Mom's _last name_ must be *Darling* because that's what Daddy calls her every time...."

Teacher : "That's so sweet. What's her first name then?"

4 yr old kid: "I think it's *Sorry*...."

A man in Hell asked the Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay ?.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free

A bachelor boy told his father : I don't want to marry - I am scared of all the women..!!

Father replied : get married son - then you will be scared of only one woman and will start liking all other women...!!

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge { still working }, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it !

They walk among us !

*Earlier* CHAKRAVIEW: Once you enter, difficult to get out.

*Now* WHATSAPP, FB, YOUTUBE : Once you enter, difficult to get out

वो कौनसी चीज है जो हमेशा आपकी ही रहेगी आपकी बीवी की नहीं हो सकती ?

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*गलती ..!!*

Marwadi To Gujarathi
"Aap kya lenge,..
thanda ya garam....????''

Gujarathi
"Dono Hi Mangwaado"

Marwadi  : ''Sunthi Ho...,
2 Glass Paani  Le  Aana....
Ek Freezer Se,
Aur doosra... Geezer Se...''